Goodbye 2017

Wow, it has been one hell of a year. I'm not sure where to begin, but all I know is that I'm ready to take on another year of growth and experience. 2017 wasn't anything extravagant like traveling out of the country or buying a new car, which I do want to accomplish in the near future, but it was a year of self-discovery and self worth. 

I had the chance to intern for College Fashionista as a Style Guru and Social Media Fellow, I took numerous trips out of town - SoCal, the snow, the beach, and the bay area, I went hiking, camping, rock climbing, swimming, kayaking, off roading, and swam in a cave, I’ve got piercings, I was selected as a CR It Girl (Brand Ambassador) for Charlotte Russe, I had the chance to walk my first fashion show, I went wine tasting, I've got the opportunity to work with numerous brands and companies such as Daniel Wellington, Missguided, Garage, Maybelline, Origins, etc., I was featured on brand websites and IG's, I was a guest feature for Visit Sacramento, I attended a handful of blogger events, I went to several concerts and museums, I learned about car maintenance, and met some great people. In between all of that, I've realized my worth. 

I've always struggled with being my worst enemy and critic, but this year was the worst, especially when it came to my work. I lost myself. I kept on being so hard on myself and compared myself to every single person. And I hate to admit it, but at times, I was bitten by the jealousy bug. It may have looked like I was a happy person, but I was far from it. I would wake up, do my regular routine, and put on a smile, but in my mind, I was withering away. My mind would always be racing. I would overthink, overanalyze, and over exhaust myself. Although I knew I should be grateful for who I have and all that I have in my life, I just wasn't happy with myself. I didn't know why. I constantly blamed myself. I did not think I was good enough. I kept on doubting myself. I dug a bigger hole each day. I was just a negative being and I hated myself for it. I had mental breakdowns and I just felt so defeated. I was struggling internally. My mind was out of control. As of now, I can proudly say I'm no longer feeling the way I did. Of course these feelings don't just disappear out of the blue and there are times where I'm in a rut, but not like how I was before. I was in a very unhealthy state of mind. I did not want to believe I was causing harm to myself. I did not want to believe I was this kind of person. I faced it head on and took time to recollect myself. To figure myself out. To learn from this and to grow. I was destructive. I was tired. I felt helpless. I felt worthless. But not anymore. 

No one knew. That's why I'm surprised that I'm even writing about this and I know people I know will read this, but this was my reality. I've had a hard time coping with this. I wasn't sure if I should even post this. Through all my Instagram photos and stories and tweets on Twitter, I was going through some real shit. It's not all fine and dandy. There were some days I wish I didn't wake up and other days I wish I got into an accident. But I can proudly say, I am okay. With the help of my family and boyfriend, they kept me going even though they didn't realize it. I had to face my inner battles myself and really dive into why I was feeling such a way. It was not good for me or anyone around me. Don't get me wrong, I had plenty of fun and happy times throughout 2017, but I want you all to know that if you went through something similar or are going through it right now, you are not alone. It will get better. You will find peace. You owe it yourself. You deserve to be happy.

2017 was my year to grow mentally. I've read a quote that said, "You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously." and I cannot agree more. You are allowed to give yourself credit and walk with your head held up high. Being a work in progress is a good thing. There's always room for improvement. Remember to put yourself first. Your health and well being should be your number one priority.

I have been working on myself. I am going to continue to do what I love. I will be happier. I do not want to pity myself and wallow in my sadness. It is unproductive and draining. I was in the worst state, which hindered my growth. I've learned a lot about myself, my relationship, my friendships, and how I can improve. I am proud of myself for coming this far. I'm working towards recovery and I am feeling content. I did set goals for 2018 and will accomplish them. This is just the beginning and I'm just getting started.

Here is my best nine on Instagram and I can recount what happened on each day. But in fact, these are not the highlights of my 2017 year. Being able to face my demons and continue to not only survive, but live was my highlight of 2017. I've loved my makeup and my outfits, but I want you all to know there's so much more to life than materialistic things, likes, RT's, and money. Sometimes, we can get ahead of ourselves and think it'll make us happy, which is does, but only temporarily. I've cherished these times with my loved ones and cannot wait to create more memories with them. People always say that life is too short and that is so true. Cherish each moment with your family, friends, and significant other. Also another thing, acknowledge that everyone is going through something, so be please kind and courteous.

I'm so ready for 2018.

It only goes up from here.

Cheers to new feels and new chances.

LET'S GET IT!